How it all started…
Early 2022
Tommy finds himself turning to online dating, because clearly everything is going according to plan. He starts messaging back and forth with this suspiciously attractive nurse. After several weeks and despite Tommy’s reservations that this girl is way too pretty to be single and there must be something wrong with her, they agree to go out together.
February 5th, 2022
Melissa and Tommy meet for the first time in person. For reasons that neither of them can explain, they proceed to drink like there’s no tomorrow. Which doesn’t sound all that unique, until you realize how infrequently they both actually drink.
February 7th, 2022
After spending 2 full days together, a suspicion begins to build that not only are they able to tolerate each other, they actually seem to enjoy the other’s company. (This is Tommy’s way of saying that they fall in love and all that fluffy stuff)
Summer 2022
Tommy’s suspicions that ‘there’s something wrong with her’ are confirmed; but somehow he finds it endearing on how she insists on reading the entire packaging of anything before opening it; this applies to anything from hair dryers to chocolate. He’s amused by how precise and punctual she is with small details. (Case in point: Selecting the stamps on the invitation you received were a multi-day affair.) Mel and Earl are at each others throats competing for attention and trying to get each other in trouble constantly.
Late 2022
Melissa finally gives in and cuts a deal with Earl; they sign a non-aggression pact. Mel periodically violates the pact by asking passive aggressive questions like “So did he always sleep on the bed with you?” despite already knowing the answer.
Early 2023
Melissa begins the slow indoctrination and seed-planting process, with comments such as “Well, at my wedding I want…” and “When I get married I think I…”, occasionally sprinkling in compliments like “You’re going to be such a good dad, I can just tell by how you treat Earl”
Summer 2023
Despite doing his best to resist the mind games and indoctrination, Tommy begins to warm up to the idea of getting married; he sees how swimmingly happy all of the married guys he knows are, and decides that perhaps, it’s exactly what he needs. Besides, he’s travelled all over with Melissa doing all kinds of fun things, and they’ve both enjoyed most of the time spent together.
Late Summer 2023 - 12/30/23
A bunch of bad shit happens, it’s best we just skip this stretch of time.
123123 (12/31/23) (Early Afternoon)
Tommy proposes to a visibly annoyed Melissa who “just wanted to nap”. He leaves her be trying to figure out if she ever said yes or not, ultimately concluding that she did in fact take the ring, so that probably means yes.
(Later that evening…)
Several hours afterwards, Melissa starts getting increasingly excited and forces Tommy to take A LOT of engagement photos out in the cold, then proceeds to stay up until 4am taking pictures of herself with her ring in the bathroom. Tommy suggests a longer engagement so that they have time to get everything sorted out seeing how they’re in the middle of a move. Clearly he got his way.
Also, this happened.
Frequently Asked Questions
“What is this girl thinking? Is she insane?”
-No one can comprehend what goes on in that head of hers, but I would not rule out insanity. What I do know is that I can no longer go to the bathroom in the middle of the night without announcing where I’m going and why.
“How does she stand him on a daily basis?”
-Mostly by ignoring him. Whenever she finds herself in a position where she cannot get away if he starts talking, she makes sure to keep her phone handy for some reading material while she blankly nods and agrees to whatever the fuck he’s saying. Her calculated logic is that his cooking is awesome and he can fix just about anything; more than makes up for the constant yapping. Besides, it’s not as if there’s all that many better options out there. It’s like trying to buy a turkey the day before Thanksgiving; you take whatever won’t kill you and be happy with it.
“It must be great to live with a nurse!”
-I’ve never felt less safe at night. I’ve woken up choking and found here calmly watching me gasp for air. She gets a twinkle in her eyes when there’s even the slightest prospect of her getting the opportunity to stitch me up. I’m not saying she’s tried to kill me…but she most certainly will try one day. What I will say is that since I’ve gotten engaged, I’ve coincidentally developed a lot of gray hair. She also enjoys casually pointing out that “died peacefully in his sleep” is very open to interpretation. But I know she loves me. I think.
Why am I okay with this? Well, like I told Earl, this is as good as it’s gonna get buddy; it’s the best I can do.
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Totally a well-matched couple.